White Condiments Are Disgusting

An Unpopular Opinion


Let me start in the same way racists usually start a racist statement—I have a lot of friends who eat white condiments. They are generally good people but obviously have very poor taste. I don't know whether to blame them, their parents, society or some nefarious unseen force in the universe. As with most things, it's probably a mix.

If this were to appear on Buzzfeed, it would be a terribleness ranking of white condiments but I consider them all tied for the most terrible. So let's list them in no particular order.

Ranch

Wow. So disgusting. When did ranch replace ketchup as the default condiment? Reread that sentence. You know what's really disgusting? The fact that we consider a fatty salad dressing a condiment.

Mayo

Mayo is only slightly more defensible than ranch but only because it's been used the same way forever—to make sandwiches taste like shit and to hold together gross things like tuna from a can.

Sour Cream

What the hell is this? I'm pretty sure it's a byproduct during the creation of something else—like sawdust when boards are cut—but I don't understand dairy science. Or lumberjacking. The point is that sour cream is the sawdust of condiments. You don't have to eat the crap that fell on the floor.

Blue Cheese Dressing

WHY would anyone eat this? Given the pervasiveness of modern refrigeration, WHY would you eat something that is moldy? It is no longer a necessity. Blue cheese dressing is the rancid garbage of condiments with a dash of hot diapers.

SPINACH ARTICHOKE DIP

Not exactly a condiment but let's break this down—artichokes are disgusting and whatever binds them is white and gross.

Alfredo

I know it's not a condiment but it's white and beyond nauseating. It is literally that paste from grade school. You are mentally ill if you eat alfredo.

HONORABLE MENTION

There are a seemingly infinite number of horrible white condiment abominations, the twisted marriage of one of the above with another ingredient in an effort to make it "fancy," or otherwise less repugnant. Let's take a moment to acknowledge them and shame those who consume them—aioli, remoulade, tartar sauce, cream cheese, creamy horseradish and any compound mayo.


A Confession

I have a confession to make...I will sometimes stick the edge of a chip into french onion dip. I feel so ashamed. I hate myself for it but I can't stop.

In Conclusion

White condiments are disgusting and there is no excuse for eating them. I could still be friends with you if you eat white condiments but you better have some pretty damn amazing qualities to outweigh that vomitous flaw.