Melons Are Disgusting

An Unpopular Opinion


Summer is finally here. We know this because we are reminded to check on elderly neighbors and people talk about how great a watermelon sounds right now. Inevitably, everyone within earshot excitedly agrees. Then, out of nowhere, someone appears from behind a bush, struggling to carry a giant watermelon, suspiciously eager to share it with the group.

Why is it suspicious? Because watermelon sucks. In fact, all melons are disgusting. Let me enlighten you.

Watermelon

Watermelon happens to be the least terrible melon but that does not make it good. Oh, you can get them without seeds now? BFD. It still has the consistency of a wet spider web. When scientists fix the gross texture and make it taste like a mango I might change my mind.

Cantaloupe

Ok, so this blows my mind. Some people have convinced themselves that this garbage fruit is good. "Oh you've just never had a good cantaloupe," they exclaim. Yeah, because they don't exist, you delusional infant. Cantaloupes are the cucumbers of the fruit world. By that I mean the best case scenario is getting one with no flavor at all.

Honeydew

Honeydew is cantaloupe's out-of-town cousin. You don't know what its parents do but from what they've described, it sounds like a pyramid scheme and possibly a cult. Actually, are we sure it's not just unripened cantaloupe? Either way, it's disgusting and you're a cretin if you like it.

Kiwi

I'm pretty sure kiwi is not a melon but I don't care. It's like one of those newborns with too much hair and you feel super uncomfortable holding it while you fake a smile and hope someone takes it from you. Like immediately. Please. Take this hairy kid. And have a kiwi for your troubles.

A Parting Shot

If you're a savage and I have yet to convince you that melons are disgusting, know that there is such a thing as a horned melon. Here's a description from some stupid website about melons. (Yes. I do research.)

"These spiked melons have a bright orange to golden-yellow skin and a jellylike flesh, which is why they are also called “jelly melons." The flavor is only vaguely sweet with a hint of cucumber."

Are you serious?! Jelly-like flesh?! Also called a jelly melon?! Tastes like a cucumber?!

Melons are even worse than I thought.